Simplify; Peace; Balance

    

First week in LA! Bye Ayah T_T! Photo: Random kind stranger

(**Note** Sorry this is not so kid-oriented!! I just kept typing and this came out. I will do a bonus post on a Wednesday that is something F&F will enjoy more!! Look forward it 😁)

This week marked the completion of a whole six (six!!!!) years here at UCLA as a PhD student (thanks Ayah for the reminder). It’s been a long and interesting ride so far, where I’ve involved myself in more than I ever could have imagined (especially outside of the classroom and lab). I’ve met so many types of people, dived head-first in a myriad of passion projects, and relocated housings more times than I care to relive (I can only imagine Mak and Ayah’s pain having to move so often when we were growing up – except with many many more people than just 1 person). All the while, I’ve been involved with so many stellar and satisfying experiences (whether it’s been performances, videos, friendships, or more) as well as the converse – unfinished projects, unkept promises, people left behind, feelings and thoughts left unresolved – as I often went full go throughout my course here: leaping from project to project, chasing my passions, and barely leaving enough time to adequately reflect and integrate. Yes, I did listen to my body when it might suddenly signal me to rest out of nowhere; and I took proper vacations and rests at least biannually, when I would go home-home for 2-3 weeks and take a break from doing work for the duration. As long as I had my youthful energy, I was going to take advantage of it as much as I could.

 

Cool things I've gotten to do: Dance. Photo: Accendi Productions

Deep into my 6^th year, I kept up this torrid pace, this time with a heavier dose of research to “lean into the curve” so to speak, as I neared the latter parts of my graduate school journey. Every week, I pushed myself to accomplish the goals, both for research and my passion projects. Some weeks, I would hit them for both. Others, I might miss them for one or the other—or even both.

 

Cool things I do: Upin & Ipin Premiere :))  Photo: Getty Images

Then, COVID-19 hit. Suddenly, everything at a standstill. 2/3 into my 6^th year, my slate was wiped. Left only was research. Anything else on the plate was manually re-added, a conscious decision to re-up the opportunity – and the corresponding responsibility – into my life. Before, I saw each opportunity as a chance to leap even further towards the optimal me that I wanted to be. That is, with little regard with the role of that commitment to the entire network of ambitions I had already assumed into my life. 

Imagine it as loading up a moving truck. At first, there is plenty of space. You put in the bigger things, fit them nicely and comfortably, with heavier things loaded closer to the front of the truck (ie closer to the driver). As you put more and more things into the truck, what was once spacious and comfortable becomes compressed. Things that are added later push everything else back, and you start layering vertically in addition to horizontally. Inevitably, with enough things, you start neglecting or even forgetting the status of the major and formally comfortable items you had in the back, as you naturally focus on what you put in last (rather than what you put in first).

Sometimes too perfect is not good either x_x. Credit: @wtframecomics

In other words, as my web of activities became heavier and heavier, it was harder and harder to keep each items afloat the choppy waters of life. If you imagine me a spider skittering from locus to locus, there’s only so many junctures I could reinforce and made successful, while others started to deform and deteriorate.

 

When I have too much on my mind :( Photo: A close friend, YC

For the most part, I was able to maintain adequate progression and attention of most of my junctures, and for several of the activity nodes I could focus much of my energy to accomplish something really worthwhile and satisfactory. But as time went on, the spectre of the always-elongating to-do list began to weigh down my mental processing (what I call mental load); not because I couldn’t handle it, but because I constantly felt a sense of disappointment that even after X number of months or Y number of years, I still haven’t accomplished task ABC that I had told myself I wanted to do so long ago. That is, I neglected the prominent items that I had happened to have packed first in the front of moving truck because of all of the things that went in after it. Don’t get me wrong; I loved all of the really unique experiences I’ve gotten to live through because of my multifaceted interests and projects I’ve put my hands into – but I have realized I have entered into a new phase of life, where I will become more satisfied from ticking off these pre-existing ambitions before adding on new ones.

 

"Mental Load" manifested. Photo: YC

Prior to the past 12 months, I simply viewed the extra mental load just as a byproduct of being too ambitious with too many interests. Theoretically, it is very possible to handle all the things I did and still do very well in all of them, given enough discipline (and enough sacrifice as a result). It wasn’t until I met a new friend of mine (who would become one of my closest friends) last summer that I started to consider the value of simplification and peace. She pointed out that my living situation (wherein I had my own room, but I barely touched the living room and I had to traverse outside to get to my kitchen) was closer to that of a college dorm room rather than a home for resting. When I chose that apartment, I knowingly took those negatives for the positives (my own room, 2 blocks from work, saving $300 per month, proximity to dance practice). I realized though, from conversations with said friend, that these sort of compromises or tolerations (whether from suboptimal living situations or from trying to handle too many things) take a toll on overall well-being as well as focus and efficiency. The point of accumulating money and experiences, beyond attaining luxuries, is to simplify your life and reduce mental load, so that you can focus your time and effort on activities, people, and goals more important to you. Being frugal and saving money is important – yes – but that too must be balanced. Sure, you might save 12 dollars from not buying that box of a dozen doughnuts, but you might spend 5 hours and 10 dollars worth of $$ on ingredients making them yourself (of which you’ll only use a portion anyway). Of course, if your goal was just to learn how to make doughnuts (instead of saving money) and enjoying the process, then that exchange makes a lot more sense. If I get a haircut for $15 (or cut my own hair) but spend 20 minutes messing with it almost every single day to make it look like how I want it to look, is it really better than getting a $40 haircut that stays almost exactly how I want it for the next 2-3 months? If I buy a new set of shoes for $20, is it really better than a $60 if the former starts hurting my feet in 1 month and falls apart after 3? As compared to the latter rarely hurting my feet and maybe having a hole after 9? (See Vimes 'Boots' theory of socioeconomic unfairness.”)

Of course, there are some things that are sustainably better to be thrifty on and DIY if you’re sufficiently knowledgeable (see below: Hamzah & his custom-tailored thrifted clothes;  Luqman’s nerf guns and other craft-related custom fixes; Ayah’s secondhand cars and fixes; Mak’s delicious better-than-restaurant foods to feed an entire family). It is just important to learn to pick your battles appropriately when in comes to cost-cutting versus cost-enabled ease.

Impressive DIY from the Wahi Fam. Photos stolen from various sources :^)

As your priorities shift in life, so should your accommodations to enable those priorities. In the end, it’s all a very convoluted equation to optimize your day-to-day satisfaction and happiness. I realized that my satisfaction was becoming more and more tied to reducing that mental load as much as it was tied to fearlessly chasing after my passions; and thus, both my friend and the COVID-induced reset catalyzed the shift into the next phase into my life. In March, at the start of quarantine, my plate of commitments emptied to leave just research. I started from 0 again, and focused simply on the things I needed to; dropping as many responsibilities as I could and only re-adding them onto my plate 1-by-1 in an effort to concentrate focused effort on checking them off for my prolonged satisfaction. Thoughts, activities, and people who were burdening me unnecessarily, I put aside (temporarily of course ;) ) , so I could focus on those that really mattered for the time being. I found value and solace in peace, especially that which derived from special individual people in my life.

 

Some of the things I did:

-       Moving to a new apartment.

o   The benefits of this are so long that I’ll just make it into another bonus post xD

-       Sorting through an assortment of jumbled thoughts that were in utter disarray for months. It’s hard to be at peace if you thoughts or feelings left unresolved or unaddressed (so address them!).

-       Concentrating my effort on the long-term academic projects for which I’ve kept wanting to get progress. If I’m not talking to someone or doing another mandatory task or family bonding (*cough*) then I’m working on this. Every day, morning, afternoon, evening, I’m looking at this problem and the remaining unsolved/unimplemented facets, and chipping at it one issue at a time. Before, I would go days between working on it, and too much of my time was spent on refreshing the scope of the problem or refocusing/warming up again. Now, it’s just continuing the marathon day by day.

-       Distilling my daily goals to just 3 accomplishable goals each day. These can be big or small, but they must be realistic. 3 sounds like a few, but in actuality, it allows me to really focus on doing a good job on them and be content if I finish those 3 with high quality. For example, today (Sunday) my goals were: (1) Raid with bros, (2) Finish this post, (3) Finish bug fixes for a major code implementation. Each will take about 3-4 hours, which comprises roughly 12 hours (leaving time to do other normal tasks like eating or showering or socializing).

-       Stepping down from a major managerial role on my dance team. Before I would influence most of the major decisions and really lock into managing production timelines and quality assurance of our projects, but now I’ve stepped back to let others handle that as my passion and priorities shift.

-       Interacting with family more. I’ve been bonding more with the bois in WoW, having periodic supportive chats with Hana (who is coming here in early winter?!??!), and interfacing with Fayyad and Feyruz with a fresh piano challenges hehe. And, I had the fortune of being able to go home for 6 weeks to spend a lot of quality time with Mak and Ayah  (the most time I’ve spent at home since I graduated in 2014!!).

-       Getting rid of stuff I don’t need or haven’t used in years. I don’t even remember what I got rid of LOL. Lots of takeout containers from restaurants, at least.

-       Special gifts and letters to some of my most special friends. Still in progress, but I want them to know that I still cherish them to this day (despite none of them being in the same city as me anymore T_T )

-       Organization and cleanliness. To decrease accumulation of mental load, I’ll put more upfront effort into maintaining personal rules for organization and cleanliness (e.g. washing my dishes right after eating, putting clothes into the appropriate spots after use, regular washing of clothes, small cleaning tasks everyday) so I don’t have to have a massive clean-up day every couple of months (and everything feels nice and organized).

-       Only learning dances that I’m really really interested in that will give me the most satisfaction, but only if I’ve been satisfied with the other priorities (aka not very often recently).

-       Avoiding committing to things I shouldn’t commit to, at least while my to-do list is still extensive. Keep my network of activities afloat and manageable so I can distribute sufficient effort to each task with high satisfaction. I’m really interested in so many things that it would be easy for me to set aside a whole month and just do potential side projects for that – but is it really what I want to do, for the people I want to do it for? Maybe not. Simplify!

-       Simplify expectations socially. Don’t make guesses on who really wants to bond or not; generally it’s should be something you know or not. If it doesn’t make sense, then it doesn’t make sense. (Special exceptions apply; everyone’s situation is unique.)

 

In the end, I’ve started to notice the balance I’m seeking to strive between ambition and peace. The ambition to go out and achieve special, unique, and meaningful feats, and the peace of being able to breathe. That in between these bouts of pushing myself through the torrents outside my comfort zone, I have a home to return to and operate as just me as myself, with minimal overhead, whether it be in a place or in a person (or many of either). In the past 12 months, I’ve been so fortunate to really find and/or realize the special things and people I can call home more than any other time in my life…and even though so many of them are distant from me now, I cherish the existence and presence of these/them more than I could reasonably express. My next year (maybe my last at UCLA?) will be focused on maintaining this balance, and riding the wave of momentum from an optimized Wasil towards the end of the ride. 

Simplify and be happy! Photo: YC

- Wasil

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Below, a template (version 1.0) of thoughts to yourself as you try to simplify:

 

 

Simplify:

-       Why am I doing this?

o   Am I doing this because it’s something I’ve always done?

§  e.g. eating over-sweetened cereal every day that makes you sleepy

o   Am I doing this to save money?

§  e.g. buying thin paper towels / toilet paper, buying low quality essentials (bed/shoes/computer)

o   Does this really benefit me or make me happy or meet my goals/values (esp. if it pertains to others)?

§  e.g. assuming a leadership position in an organization

o   Does it give a net positive? (Does it bring me happiness? Does it meet my goals? Does it bring me peace?)

§  e.g. finishing an old passion project you’re not longer passionate about

o   Is it something that I have to do? (Out of obligation or duty)

§  e.g. providing counseling advice to someone else that also drains you

-       Is it necessary to do it in the way I am doing it?

o   Can it be removed completely? Will removing it completely actually give a net positive (relative to my well-being and my goals)?

§  e.g. moving into a living situation that you don’t have to find roommates

o   Can it be modified to fit my life or meet my goals better? (without significant drop-off in result)

§  e.g. restructuring your work schedule to either spread out work hours or compress them

-       Will a change in another part of my life remove the need to do this to begin with?

o   e.g. if I move apartments, I may not have to make compromises that makes daily life harder